The “Self” and other concepts

There isn’t really a self. I’ll let that sink in for a second… That’s why we can get into such a pickle when we go on that self-discovery mission. We binge on spiritual self help books and gorge on videos from experts or enlightened masters. We may even take tests on Facebook to see what type of people we are or what our birth charts hint at who we are. Fascinating as all this can be, it doesn’t really help us get to what we imagine our “selves” might be. If anything, filling our minds with concepts or labels of who we are, can disrupt us on our spiritual journey.

I certainly did all the above, and it got me nowhere. I was convinced that “knowing” me would somehow lead me to some sort of “enlightenment” and all of a sudden I would have that “aha moment”. I’m using a lot of “speech-marks” in this post, that’s because these things that I’ve written are CONCEPTS. It is one of the ways in which the monster works and it actually keeps us distant from coming to meet ourselves on that internal energetic plane.

Let me explain… It’s like I could have all the knowledge of water in the world, its chemical symbol, what it does, how it behaves, it’s weight and even have someone explain how it feels and tastes. This would never, ever, ever, quench my thirst. Not possible. If anything it’d make me more thirsty!

This is how grasping onto ideas and concepts work, if anything they will push you farther away from your goal of experiencing your “self” and make you more frustrated. It’s also food for the monster because the more you read and conceptualise, the less you’re likely to “DO”. Then you’ll start to wonder why, armed with all this knowledge, you are still failing to have those deeply peaceful and spiritual moments. Then the monster will step in and call you all sorts of things for NOT being able to get there. It’s a vicious circle really and we need to unplug from concepts and labels as a starting point to let us get deeper into our selves.

Basically, we must just find water and drink it!

Let’s continue with the water analogy. My first taste of that water was unpleasant. I did not enjoy it. That’s because my water was murky and dirty. It was full of the hurts that I had accumulated in my life time and not dealt with.

I suppose it might be like digging a well. At first the mud rocks and grime get into the water as we dig. The deeper we go, the more frustrated we might get as the water is still muddy and undrinkable. We might become more furious with the digging and exhaust ourselves. With continued and steady work though, we will hit a point where our water is becoming cleaner. We scoop out the last drops we can of dirty sullied water, and then what is left is flowing clear drinkable water.

This, I would say, is our energetic being. When we are “drinking of this water”, we are not wanting for anything. It is a peaceful, balanced and flowing state. It is no wonder to me that the Bible uses water time and time again as an analogy

“He who believes in Me, as the Scripture said, ‘From his innermost being will flow rivers of living water.’” John 7:38

These states are still a rarity for me, but what prompted this blog post was a moment I had the other day. I went out for a walk to specifically get into some emotions that were niggling me. I expressed these as fully as I was able. My body reacted in its usual way by burping up air. I let this happen for as long as it needed to without questioning it or judging it. What occurred after was a deep peace. The sun was just on its way down, just above the tree tops, there was still a bit of warmth in the air and on the grass beneath my feet. I did my energy grounding meditation (a separate post when I start to write about energetic tools and disciplines). This led me to feel connected with my surroundings and prompted me to spontaneously sit down and meditate. Actual meditation is not something that I do regularly at the moment, but when I do it is just a breathing meditation, watching the breath and witnessing thoughts. Maybe I sat for about 10 minutes, and when I opened up my eyes slowly, I noticed the grass swaying, the many insects going about their business, the threads of spiders webs drifting through the air and the beams of sunlight warm against my face. It was only a moment but I truly did feel complete and in tune with myself and nature. In that moment I wanted for nothing else. I think I caught a glimpse then of being in tune with my energy and my true “self” was revealed for a moment.

Of course this fades. But at the outset of a long path of spiritual work I believe we are given glimpses of how it can be, and if we want to make that connected feeling a little more permanent, then we need to continue with the work, to continue digging through the murk.

I have been told off many times because I guess I always hoped (or rather the monster did) that these states would be permanent. That doing the spiritual work would lead to some eternal state of bliss. I’m not saying this is not possible, but it is way more foreseeable that these states are transient and that the spiritual work we do must always be about coming back into balance once we have fallen from it.

And this is where I failed many times. Going back to the idea of drinking that dirty water when we first start digging our well. I simply didn’t like the taste, and it put me off further digging. Bringing up and dealing with old trauma and emotions is simply unpleasant, especially when we are new to the process, I still find it difficult. We MUST do this however to get to that “living water” that flows from us, that pure balanced energetic state.

This, I would say, is the “self”. It is you without all your bullshit. You without your monster/ego. You without the countless hurts and pains you’ve suffered from throughout your life. It’s the you where nothing else is needed. The you that is in tune with nature, the you that is residing powerfully within it’s own energy.

As I’ve always said in my blog, it is quite a trip to get to your true self. It requires work and discipline. Even that moment I had the other day has given me the motivation I need to keep going on this path. Digging deeper, peeling away the layers, becoming more in-tune with my energy, because I want to taste that clear, life giving water some more, and so do you!